Could I Get Some Explanation Here? (Regarding Girls, IS personal)

"JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!" (jqj213) 08/04/2014 at 23:05 • Filed to: personal, advice, help, please

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Hey oppo, I know many people hate these posts, but I always appreciate your advice and figured id come to you and ask not so much for advice, but more of an explanation. Its something really weird to me and something I have never dealt with before. Thanks, and a Morgan for your time.

So, a bit (I promise to try and be as brief as possible but things like writing I can get carried away with so bear with me) of back story to help and maybe explain how I got in this situation. It all started last August, the first day of school. In my history class, I met this beautiful funny smart girl. And I instantly liked her and tried to make a move. But I was always too shy and didnt feel confident enough. So, long story short, another guy beat me to her, and he was a total asshole about it. Worst part is we used to be friends, but thats not really important.

** I put a TL;DR at the bottom, I noticed how carried away I got. I'd like for you to read but you don't need to.

Put simply their relationship wasnt very good. And in class, she'd always talk to me over him. One day in October she finally broke up with him. And she started talking to me more and more and walking with me and being really cool. I however wasnt paying attention to this and wasnt even thinking about a girlfriend. So after we were buddy buddy for like 1.5 months and I finally picked up on it and thought I had a chance, it was too late. She messaged me... asking about another guy who she now liked. I pretty much put myself in the friend zone. So she dated him for a few months, and we didnt talk as much anymore. She'd come to me for advice every once in a while, but that was pretty much it.

Fast forward to late April. My close friend, whos a total dork and really not the charming or romantic kind, got a girlfriend. Put simply I got very jealous. All my friends now were in a relationship. And they always posted about it or told me or showed me and I got lonely and depressed. So, I decided to start talking to her again. And I learned she was single again. And I felt I had a chance. We talked a lot, but I never realized it was really me the whole time starting the conversations. I decided to ask her out, and got rejected. And it threw me into a really dark time in my life. But I got back up and kept talking because she told me she just wasnt ready yet for another relationship and I was a great guy, so it kept some confidence in me.

Which is why I did something stupid. I know now it was dumb. But then I was depressed and lonely and wanted to be with her. So I told her how I felt. How much she meant to me, how I wanted to date her and how I liked her since the first day (Yes, I know this was super dumb). And she told me something, she already knew. She knew from the first week of school. That first guy she dated, my old friend, told her. So me playing all these games and talking to her trying to hide my feelings were pointless. Because she knew. She told me how sweet and caring I was and I was a great friend but she just wasn't ready to date. And I told myself oh well and kept talking to her anyway. But this was the lowest point of my life that year, the one that inspired all those depressed posts on Oppo earlier this year.

I came up with this idea, lets be friends. Just friends that hang out. Something I never had but have seen work on TV all the time so it must work, right? Wrong. I came up with this idea of taking her to a local Cars and coffee. Something very public, and with a ton of people. She appreciated cars, so I thought it would be a clever idea. But the show wasn't until June 7th. It was only Mid may. I decided to ask, and she said maybe but she might be gone in NY by then. So I was happy. I thought maybe I had done it; I had just gotten a friend who is a girl. I kept talking to her and being friendly. But I wanted to try something sooner. I invited her to come see a movie with my friends. Nope. I asked to come to lunch with us. No. I even tried bowling. Nope. Oh well.

We kept talking, but one thing I noticed was that even though we talked a ton outside of school, in school, nothing was said between us. We barely looked at each other. It was like what happened at night never mattered the next day. I bring this up because our talks became more and more personal. I became her friend whom comforted her. She began telling me things. Secrets and about her past. I found out details not even her friends know about her. Why she told me, I'd never know.

So, the week before the car show. I was feeling rather excited. Not only was I going to a huge show, but I'd be going with this girl who I have liked the whole year. Every day we talked I sort of mentioned it. But I got the same "If I'm not in NY then I'll go" answer. And then I started thinking that she'd cancel on me. That the night before she'd tell me she wasn't going to go. And this made me sad, but I'd still talk to her. Sure enough, she canceled. But the way she did it. That was the awful part.

Friday night, the night before the show. I was going to message her earlier asking for her address and what time to get her, but it said she was inactive for a few hours on the Facebook chat (it was how we mainly talked since neither of us had great cell reception). So I waited. Once it was 8 pm I had to. So I sent the generic "Hey" message to start talking. After 30 minutes and still no response, I was worried. So, I messaged her best friend, who I was also friend withs. We talked normally and then I asked her and told her how I was going to take her to the show… and then she told me something. "She left for New York." So, she left. Without telling me. I was never going to find out. I was crushed. Since I found out at work, I went outside and pushed a shopping cart into a tree out of anger. Luckily no one saw. Her friend felt awful for this, but I made it clear she had nothing to do with it.

Later that night, out of anger, I sent her a message. "Have fun in NY." Just left it like that. I sent it around 1 am. An hour or so later, my phone dinged. I was already talking with my friends on Xbox Live so I knew it wasn't them. And my parents were sleeping so it wasn't them. I looked at my phone, and saw it was her.

And she gave me this whole thing about how her mom took her phone and never told her about the flight and how sorry she was and she'd make it up when she got back. It didn't make sense about how her best friend found out and not me, but when I tried to ask her this, she sort of dodged the question. I was angry to say the least. And I really stopped talking to her then. It was the last straw. I moved on.

About two weeks passed, and then I get a message It was from her. She wanted to start talking again. I decided why not, saying I won't fall for her again. And we talked as friends.

A strange change happened. She was messaging me first. Unlike before, where I was the only one to start a conversation, it was now as if the roles had flipped. I never started. She'd always be messaging me. And out of anger I wouldn't respond right away or give short answers, but still she kept talking.

I was confused by this. After all the shit that happened, she wanted to forget about it and just be friends. I went with it still. Even when she talked first though, she was still always doing things. She'd be Facetiming with other guys or out with family, but she'd still write first. I got tired of this and didn't always respond.

June 17 th was the last time we talked. And I was fine with this. I was tempted to write her and try and be friends, but decided not to. Then, the other night, she wrote me. After nearly two months. She decided to write first again. And she told me how much she missed me and missed talking to me and how good of friend I was. And I enjoyed talking to her again. I was going to write her today, but I realized something scrolling through our messages.

I was always getting short or one word responses. I would type out long details about things and give thought provoking questions, only to be answered with one word and an emoji.

TL;DR: I messed up with this girl I liked and stopped talking to her. But then she messaged me first. And has been for some time now. But whenever we talk, she only gives me one word answers, even though I'm giving thought out questions and answers.

So I guess my real question is this, what the hell does all this mean? She has been wanting to talk to me and message first, but when I try and talk back, all I get are one word responses.

Also, should I keep talking to her? I haven't yet after the other day when we talked and I ended the conversation out of confusion.

Thanks for your help. For sticking through, I've attached a few pictures from a recent car show.

Lastly, I don't want to sound like a dick but please don't share this post elsewhere. I really don't want to make a shitstorm.

Textured Soy Protein > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:10

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Instead of agonizing over what to do about a bunch of texts, walk up to her, say hi, talk about stuff, put it in her, the end.

Alternatively, a text asking if she wants to hang out will accomplish the same goal. Oh and be a gentleman about the putting it in her part.

Conan > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:13

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Hang out with her in person and see how it is. Sometimes people can be way too electronic.

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:14

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These are my observations based on many relationship mistakes I made many years ago. As a young person it is very difficult to be friends with females that you have a romantic interest in because you think that friendship will eventually lead elsewhere. Once you come to the realization that there is little hope in that regard your motivation to remain friends diminishes. It's kinda fucked up but that is the way it is. As you get older it gets easier...but not much. Anyway, she still values your "friendship" but you have too many emotions tied up in it, and part of you feels like it is easier just to put it behind you and move on. Frankly I don't know if you have the maturity to manage a female friendship with a girl you still like. I don't mean that in a negative way at all, it is purely developmental.

This is why I give advice on cars and not women.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Textured Soy Protein 08/04/2014 at 23:14

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I wish it was that easy. But outside of school, I never got to see her. And now over summer, she went to NY. Now she's going back to Fl and I just got up to NJ.

So unless I see her in school, I won't get to. I don't think she'd want to though seeing how often she turned me down before.

AM3R > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:16

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Sometimes you just gotta think about it. After all this time do you REALLY still like her as much as you did before?

Don't worry if you say yes to that. I had a pretty similar experience, except I was the one going on a trip.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tom McParland 08/04/2014 at 23:16

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hey man I appreciate any advice I can get.

Honestly, those like two months when she didn't message me... at first i was upset for like a week, but then i thought how nice it was. I was able to put her behind me. I was not expecting her to message again. I don't know what she wants here honestly.

I would rather move on, but how do I tell her to leave me alone?

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > AM3R 08/04/2014 at 23:18

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I keep telling myself I don't and that I have moved on. But I know there is a part of me that still does. And talking to her the other day, and having her say ho she missed talking to me made me feel important and good and kind of want to.

But now that I had time to think about it, I really am not sure

AM3R > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:22

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Yup sounds a lot like my experience.

We were going to be going to different high schools, but we still lived close enough to each other to cross each other's paths pretty often. After meeting some new girls I was back to normal.

This sounds weird, but her friend seems like a nice girl lol.

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:22

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You can do it two ways...you can just ignore her messages and eventually she will stop writing. Though every time you get a message you are going to feel those emotions and wish she would stop but you won't tell her. Or...you can do the really hard thing, and tell her the truth. You can be like- "Look I really like you and it is just too difficult for me to do this friend thing, when I want it to be something more and I know it won't happen. Maybe it is best we just go on separate ways. I really care about you and I wish you the best." (Feel free to copy and paste as needed) :)

shpuker > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:22

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Been there, done pretty much the exact same things, nearly did it twice but wised up. It sucks though. No other way to put it. Knowing you had a shot, blew it, but you don't want to accept it and move on. Best advice I can give you though is to stop putting serious energy into something that isn't going to pan out the way your brain thinks.

However at the same time, don't turn not putting obscene amounts of thought, time, and energy into being a dismissive dick. Just treat her as a friend.

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:24

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Now that previous message will be really hard, but it may surprise you...she may be interested in you and is testing the waters, but maybe not. If you are honest it will give her a chance to respond and tell her feeling for you. If you just ignore her, you will never know what her intentions were.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:24

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Thank you for telling people not to cross post this.

Asides from that, yeah the friend zone is a shit place to be stuck. Yes it hurts when a friend dates a girl you like. Yes, it's even worse when they date your ex when you still have all of these feels. I've been honest and it's got me nowhere, but that's how you know it's not ment to be. Stop trying to strike up a conversation and move on with life. Trust me here, you don't want to send Extremely regrettable drunken text messages to them. If she comes around, let her do it on her own time.

6cyl > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:26

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Best advice I can give is to move on. Neither of you should need to force things and have this many troubles this often and this early. Sometimes the pieces of the puzzle don't fit and you need to move on to try another one. If you keep trying the same one you will never finish and will fuck up the puzzle. (Not sure if that will make sense to you but it made sense to me)

Textured Soy Protein > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:28

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You going to see her at school in the fall? Just have the occasional meaningless chat over the summer, don't put a lot of effort into it, and chat her up in the fall.

Worst thing that happens is you end up in the exact same position as you are now.

Soloburrito > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:28

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A woman wanting to have a conversation with you can only mean one thing....

...she wants to have a conversation with you.

I'm sorry but you are bringing this drama on yourself. Be friends, aquaintences, whatever you have the patience for, but don't look for things that aren't there.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 08/04/2014 at 23:28

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That's what I'm starting to think here is that she might be coming around, which is why she has been starting every conversation now for the past three months.

And the fact that after two months of nothing she is starting again....

I simply don't know if I should keep talking to her, or also start giving one word answers or what here.

I also have been honest and got screwed because of it. I told myself this school year Im not doing this again.

And I really didn't want to seem like a dick but i don't need that happening again.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tom McParland 08/04/2014 at 23:31

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I really love how you worded that and may need to use that word for word. It's just really difficult honestly. I like talking to her but I am scared these feelings are going to come back.

I really just don't understand why after two months she decided to start talking to me again and why she just wants to give me one word answers here.

I'm tempted for now to wait until she writes again, and then maybe start giving her one word answers... I don't know. Fuck this sucks.

blacktruck18 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:31

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Why don't you message her explaining what you just posted here. Dont copy and paste this she might think it's creeper weird. Just tell her how you feel don't hold back becuase you're worried about hurting her feelings. Tell her exactly how you feel. Then ask her why she is doing it. Being blunt woks wonders sometimes.

I might be completely wrong but in my opinion it's an attention/boredom thing. She gets bored or feels lonely and she knows she can go to you and you will talk to her.

I don't necessarily mean this in a sexual way but, if you aren't getting what you want from the relationship why keep putting effort into it? Relationships are a two way street. She is obviously getting something out of it or she wouldn't keep up the relationship. If you really want to be in a relationship find a girl who wants to be with you. Good luck.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:32

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if she's stringing you along for that long, just stop letting her get to your feels and be a friend, but nothing more.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > AM3R 08/04/2014 at 23:32

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Her friend really is a nice girl. And she liked talking to me in class randomly but I was to focused on her friend to ever pay attention honestly.

And thats what I told myself. this school year will be different. I am not getting hung up on one girl. And I will be talking to multiple.

I just need to choose what to do here now

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:33

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Bro...the struggle is real. I'm glad I am happily married and I don't have to worry about that single guy stuff anymore. I will tell you this, the more honest you can be now the better your relationships will be in the future.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > 6cyl 08/04/2014 at 23:34

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I think your right. Tom gave me some great advice that I might just end up using.

Thanks I just really wanted a third parties opinion here

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > blacktruck18 08/04/2014 at 23:35

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Thanks man. And you have a really good point. I think that if she messages me first again, I might have to just come right out and ask her because i really would like to know. I was done. Two months of nothing. But then she decided to start again. Maybe it is boredom. I don't know.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Soloburrito 08/04/2014 at 23:40

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I know I am and Im also looking wayyy too deep into this. But she messaged me first so i don't know what to do honestly. I think I might just try and stop talking to her

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tom McParland 08/04/2014 at 23:42

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My biggest fear here though is if it backfires. If she tells me that she does actually like me and was trying to see if I still did too.

Maybe thinking about it your message would still work. I think its gonna be my best shot.

And I so badly want to fast forward my life like 15 years so Im married out of school and working my career. Skip all of this BS.

Thanks again

Tom McParland > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:46

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I saw the the other messages that said she lives far away...perhaps best to move on. Also, you gotta go through this crap in order to appreciate the good stuff later on. It does get better and easier.

Eli's Got 2 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:48

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I tend to agree with Tom. I know it's hard; I've been there and it hurts like hell, but it may be time to cut ties completely.

You really should move on. If you're stuck on her, you may miss out on someone even better. :)

That's Engineering? > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:50

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I apologize in advance for being an asshole in this response. Please do not take it personally, but the blunt approach has worked with my friends in the past. Anyway...

MOVE. ON. That is the best approach for dealing with this situation. The friend zone (which has clearly happened to you) does not play out like it does in movies. Once you are there, it is nearly impossible to move out into something romantic, regardless of how much you want it(I've only encountered two ways to do it, and they are not pretty. They are also exhausting). When a girl is interested romantically, it is usually fairly obvious. You constantly initiating conversation and her not reciprocating is an obvious sign that she is not romantically interested. As to your honest approach to telling you how you feel - that only works in movies or if you are already in a romantic relationship. You are in neither with her. It also gives her all the power in the relationship and decreases your attractiveness to her. It also makes you sound kind of like a wuss. As for her initiation of texts recently, it sounds like a power play. Let's face it, when you are the object of one's affections, it is an ego boost. She lost it (as you had appeared to move on) and she wants it back; you are on the hook. How I Met Your Mother did an episode on this, if you are interested. It is fairly accurate. Do not mistake it as legitimate romantic interest. Again, speaking in generalities, legitimate romantic interest is rarely the case. When she talks to you about boys, her problems, etc. she is doing it as a friend AND NOTHING MORE.

As for remaining friends, does she really sound like a friend? Do friends really ignore texts, disregard invites, etc? IF you wish to be friends, make it clear that you are no longer interested (and mean it - that is why you need to move on) and you want to remain strictly plutonic. And stay that way.

/end assholery

I'm sorry that you are in that situation. It sucks, and we have all been there. You are not the first person to experience that situation, and you will not be the last. I hope you can find some peace on the matter.

Also, please read this! I typed it out on my phone! I think I just got carpel tunnel...

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Tom McParland 08/04/2014 at 23:50

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Oh no i wish she lived far away! That would make things so much easier!

We go to the same high school. She just happened to go to NY for her summer, which is what ruined the car show. But she will be back on Wednesday.

And yeah I just cant wait for the easier part.

ttyymmnn > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:51

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Stop texting and talk.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > That's Engineering? 08/04/2014 at 23:56

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Thanks a lot for the advice man! I did not get any sense of you being an asshole there at all. you gave one of the best responses here!

And I think i'm going to have to follow what Tom said, about being honest and telling her about moving on. I liked talking to her, but im scared of the feelings coming back. And I think she is only writing me either out of guilt or because she is bored and has no one else to talk to. Like I said I knew I fucked up confessing but I thought if it worked in the movies it must work for me. Girls like sweet guys. they don't. At all. It fucked me and made me lose all power.

I think she liked talking to me because I was there for her. i listened to everything she told me. I was there for her when she had issues at home. I helped calm her down and helped her move on from the horrible past she had. She shared these memories and these fears with me. Its why i felt important in the first place.

But now, I think she is juts bored. I like talking to her. but she isnt worth it. There are better people out there.

Also, thanks for typing that out on your phone, thats awesome and I appreciate that you actually cared enough to do so!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:58

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Ok, before I finish reading this. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE FRIEND ZONE!! :O

Han-Solo > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/04/2014 at 23:58

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Move on. Let it go. There are tons of funny, smart, beautiful girls out there. Don't walk around depressed over this one girl. Enjoy life, be happy & you will find someone else...Guaranteed.

Eli's Got 2 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:02

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Oh no

MountainCommand > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:04

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I dont know man, i personally would say if you feel she is causing you this mush distress in your personal mind, then just let it be. Enjoy the good memories you had together and just move on. It doesnt seem like you feel like its all a good sign, and considering the whole story, she seems all over the place. However if you feel head over heels for her, then we cant tell you otherwise, but what im learning is a relationship shouldnt be a burden nor cause extra amounts of stress, anger, anxiety, and the other extreme negatives. Especially if this is how you would potentially start any sort of relationship.

I havent the slightest clue about the 1 word replies. I can only say think about the reasons why you would give one word replies. It might be one of those reasons.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Eli's Got 2 08/05/2014 at 00:07

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Yep. I'm hear to set this straight. It's not real, it never was, it's just some damn made up excuse as to why people can't be in a relationship! Blame the internet or social media. And I'm sick of hearing it; ask me how I know. I dare you.

I'm also here because his story relates to a part of my life except his ends much differently; but everything he did, is exactly what I did with the first person I ever liked more than a friend; suffice to say, I'm over that part of my life because it left me in a dark place for awhile and brought me nothing but trouble because I believed I was "friend-zoned"(I hate that word). I found a way to move on from there and remain good friends with her(I hope). But yeah.

Aaron James > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:10

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This is really solid advice that Tom is giving you here. I've been through the same situations and my advice is word for word the advice Tom gives.

Aaron James > Tom McParland 08/05/2014 at 00:11

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Great advice here Tom, agree with it all 100 percent

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Aaron James 08/05/2014 at 00:12

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I think Im going to have to at this point. The fact that I sat here and typed that whole thing out (about 1700 words) and stress this much over her proves I need to move on

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:13

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My point is this, you've been on this love/like/friend trail for too long, and it's affecting you negatively more than it is positively, if at all. You need to know straight up where this is going IMO. I'm not saying confront her and be demanding and force an answer out of her. That'll make things worse. But you need to find out something; unfortunately that could and will take some time. When you feel the time is right to ask, and you will know, ask away. But do be careful about this and think very hard. Personally, after my experience in this situation(your story mirrors my first experience; albeit mine lasted one year and I forced myself to get over it and was successful), waiting this long is going a bit too far.

Eli's Got 2 > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:13

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K-Roll... I know all about it. I saw the post and all the comments. I felt so awful for you.

Rusto and I had a few convos about it, too. I was pretty pissed about that whole thing.

I'm glad you are doing well now. Yay! :)

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > MountainCommand 08/05/2014 at 00:15

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I think i really just need to move on. It was just so odd going from me obsessing over her and always writing first to her now doing the same to me. But she really is all over and I dont know what that means. I think i will follow Tom's advice and just tell her honestly whats going on and why i need to move on. I cant keep stressing out over this. The fact that she caused my darkest depression and makes me sleepless at night is enough proof i need to

Aaron James > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:18

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I'll be 38 next month and can still remember that pain like it was yesterday. For your sanity and health, this is your best and really only option. I wasted 3 years of my life in deep deep pain and it was so unnecessary, I could have dated others, I could have moved on, but I just held on to this fairy tale ending until one day I realized 3 years have passed and I'm tired of being miserable. I wish you luck, strength, and happiness.

BJohnson11 > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:21

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Don't take this the wrong way, and I know there are plenty exceptions to the rule, but: sounds like from the general tone of things you're in high school so I'll say this. Move on, and there are so many interesting people you'll meet in college that it you'll regret getting hung up over this. Besides, why would you want to be with someone so flaky?

Don't want it to sound like I'm just saying wait it out, but I guess thats what I'm saying.

Best of luck with it all

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Aaron James 08/05/2014 at 00:22

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Thanks man. Im only 16 and this was the first real relationship i almost had and the first time any of this has happened for me.

Im glad ive only wasted a year of my life so far.

I have to move on. I cant deal anymore

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Eli's Got 2 08/05/2014 at 00:23

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Another friend of Rusto! Hello! Yeah, that was not a good time for me or a good day as a matter of fact. But I just had to move on from it and take the rough with the smooth. Since then, I'm doing much better, slightly enlightened as well. But all is much better than before, thank you. :)

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > BJohnson11 08/05/2014 at 00:24

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Hey you are absolutely right and hearing it from so many of you is what i really needed. She isnt worth it. I need to move on.

As for the waiting, I sound like Tom Petty but its the hardest part!

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:27

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Mine is coming up on a year now and im done with all of this. i really needed all of you guys to really talk some sense into me.

I want to ask her, her when the time is right, why she messages me first but then doesnt want to talk. And then maybe then i can tell her we can move on. Otherwise it'll have to wait.

I want to do this in person. So neither of us can just not reply. But i doubt itll happen

thanks for the tips man

Aaron James > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:32

1

The absolute best years of your life are ahead of you, Don't waste a second, you're only young once. I know it sounds so cliche, but it's true, it's soooooo true..

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:34

1

At least she messages you first, no one ever messages(by that, I mean texts me) unless they need me to do something or they need something from me; pisses me off, so at least you've got that.

It's not a matter of want, you MUST ask her. if she's been repeating this "I don't want to talk" BS for a while now, then by all means, screw the "right time"(to an extent) and ask away; mind you, still be gentle about it as it is a touchy subject. Just because of this incident doesn't mean you two can't remain friends, but you must settle this once and for all, set some rules, and straighten this all out!

You don't need to wait to be in person, trust me, I've never even tried to discuss this in person since the first time two years ago, it won't make much of a difference IMO. Every other relationship convo has been done via messaging since and nothing bad has come from it.

I'm trying to save you from what happened to me; this should not ever happen to anyone else, so long as I can prevent it.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:36

1

Honestly that is why I was so damn confused. It almost never happens where she messages you first if you aren't in a relationship. It's been odd waking up with a message waiting from her when you never said anything. Its why I came here in the first place, it doesn't happen.

Next time she writes first, which should be a day or two, i will ask. Because I really want to know.

And I appreciate it. One thing I know is that I dont really want to date her anymore. I just want to know where we stand!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:39

1

That's the point! Know where you stand! I couldn't say it better. That is what you need to know; from there, you can set the boundaries/rules what have you, and move on from there.

In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:45

4

Just remember: NO MEANS NO (I HOPE you know what this relates to).

DONT BE DAFT WRAP YOUR SHAFT.

(This is one I made up);

IF YOUR PETER HASNT GOTTEN WET, GO TO THE THEATRE SET.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:46

1

Mr. Karl! Maybe best to sit this one out ;)

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 00:46

1

Too late... -_-

In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:46

2

So wait, you have you had OH YEAAAA time with this girl yet?

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:48

0

hee hee i see that

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you 08/05/2014 at 00:49

1

Nope. This girl was supposed to be my friend and i never even viewed her as that. Sorry to disappoint!

Manuél Ferrari > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 00:55

2

I let a girl string me along for 2 years once. In retrospect it was my own fault.

The biggest piece of advice I can give you is this - tell her exactly how you feel and ask her if she would tell you exactly how she feels too. If she likes you like you like her then great. If she doesn't or she won't tell you how she feels then you need to stop hanging out with her. If she does have feelings for you but is scared to show them then she'll come around and want to date you. If she doesn't then at least you won't have the misery of being strung along.

Both genders let the other person string them along. We all have to be responsible for ourselves. If your feelings for her are much stronger than hers are for you then nothing will ever fix that, trust me. No matter how much time and effort you put into it things will never be balanced and it will always bring you down. But if she does want more and is just scared then you being open and honest will hopefully let her get past the fear. And if it doesn't then it's not your fault and there is nothing to feel bad about.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 00:56

0

Couldn't not say anything.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 00:56

0

I know, I know...

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:00

0

I think I said what needed to be said...

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:02

0

I dunno what needs to be said anymore.

I can't even tell what "friend zone" means anymore. I thought I knew what it meant. But some people got mad about that term. So I dunno if I even understand it anymore...

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:02

1

Im so glad I came here for your guys' advice here. I need to talk to her honestly. And find out why she has been messaging me first and how she feels about me and whats happened and what she wants to do. She knew how I felt. She was the only girl I wanted for a whole year. She drive me into a deep depression and caused many sleepless nights because she didn't want to be with me. I need to know where I stand here.

This recent thing of her writing first though. it confused me so much.

I am tired of trying so hard to be with her and think i need to cut my losses and move on now.

I loved Tom's advice and will probably be following it for the most part.

Manuél Ferrari > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:04

2

It can be very confusing. I've had the same type of situation happen. What I've learned is that you can't predict how the person feels. No two people are exactly the same. All you can do is be honest and hope they are with you. If the other person isn't willing to tell you how they really feel or worse they lie about it then run for the hills!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:06

2

As far as I'm concerned, that waste of a word, a term at best doesn't mean a thing anymore, it's just an excuse or false hope to me; if she doesn't want relationship, at any point or ever, it was clearly not meant to be. I'd like to find the first person to give this BS a name and slap the shit outa him for the ensuing pain, suffering and mental chaos it has caused people.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:07

1

I really hope she is honest when I confront her. I dont want to embarrass her or anything but she really is screwing with me and i need to know.

considering what she has told me (so much personal stuff, things I couldn't believe) she knows how to be honest. i just dont know how she will on this.

my biggest goal now is not sounding like a dick

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:09

0

That sounds like a good way of looking at it!

Manuél Ferrari > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:10

1

It's really hard to guess how she will react. She might appreciate that you asked her and answer honestly. She might bottle up. But I don't think you have to worry about being a dick. Talking about how you feel doesn't make you a dick, it makes you mature.

Marriokart > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:11

1

My view for the reason she keeps texting you is simple: people like having people that care about them around them, even if they don't care as much about the other person (hope that makes sense). She likes talking to you because even though she might not have any romantic feelings for you, you make her feel special. My opinion, and what I would do (and have done in a similar situation) is walk away, at least for 6 months. Go after a different girl(s), she is likely not the only girl you've had some interest in. If after doing that you still have strong feelings for her, make a very decisive move, Don't leave any room for ambiguity for what your intentions are towards her. If she realizes that after that time not talking to you that she wants to be with you then mission accomplished. If not, it is almost certain that she will never have those feelings for you and that you should move on. Hope this helps.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:11

0

Knowing what I know now, if I knew this then I could have saved myself soo much wasted effort and time. But then there's one more problem that goes along with that BS word...

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:17

1

IMS failure?

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:24

1

Oh you. :P

No, it's false hope. That pitiful word gives you hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you can "escape" this zone of friends and get into a relationship woth that person that doesn't want to, as much as you want to and try; when deep down, you know it will never happen and you're just digging a deeper hole for yourself to fall in.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:27

0

No I'm pretty sure the issue is engine implosion caused by not changing ze timing belts on ze 944 :)

In a Mini; let them mock me as My Mini Countryman is higher than you > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:31

0

Oh, make some moves tiger.

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:31

1

And you think you can get by just a couple more miles without changing them, and that turns into a couple hundred and then a couple thousand and then what??

But seriously though, I can tell you really want to change the subject...

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:34

1

Haha sorry just trying to lighten things up. And I'm all out of ze feelz right now. Not much sleep last night. And my theory on ze feelz is getting longer and more convoluted to explain. I shall explain one day. I'm still putting ze finishing touches on it in my head...

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:36

1

I see. I'll lighten the mood a bit. Just a tad.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:37

1

That is amazing!!

I want a flying lawnmower!

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:39

1

Me too.

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:40

1

You can haz a flying doge

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:43

1

Zat is awesome!

I must leave you now, my sleepy time needs me; but I shall send myself off with my submersible car!

Vandelay Industries > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:43

1

not sure how old you are...I assume high school and you just learned the most important lesson.

1) the less you give the more you get.

2) girls know in the first 10 seconds whether they want to hook up or not.

4) it's better to appear as the asshole and be semi nice, then be nice and be made an asshole.

5) I'm 28 been around the block a few times and had to get dew scars the hard way, but to be honest with out being an Internet hardo can pretty much get what I want with out trying w/ very good looking girls...but for your knowledgr girls don't want any of that great guy / romantic bullshit shit until their at least older than 25 (if you live in major city)...22 if your in more rural area, their fickle little whores that are easily duped/social climbers/looking to have fun. So if you play the game you'll get em'

6) to save time...go watch "crazy stupid love"...sounds cheesy but you sound like the son... You don't want to be the son...watch gosling and listen to his advice..you'll get girls and when you find the one you really like and she really likes you then give a taste of the nice guy you....also just dress well and smell good...any guythat dresses food and smells good usually does well...that doesn't mean cologne bath...don't ask your mom have shot girl friend go with you (not her) buy some cologne...heck ask some really pretty older girls at the mall which one they like...stop them walking by and say "excuse me, can you help me? I'm looking for new cologne that pretty girls would like and ask them for suggestion" whatever they pick you take ...don't be afraid you'll prob never see them again, or they'll like you and you got good cologne.

7) hook up with that girls friends ..,don't tell her and just pretend she doesn't exist...if she throws her self at you after...hook up with her and then don't talk to her again for awhile

Manuél Ferrari > K-Roll-PorscheTamer 08/05/2014 at 01:46

1

Great send off! Get some sleep. I will finish this damn project and finally get that elusive sleep thing

K-Roll-PorscheTamer > Manuél Ferrari 08/05/2014 at 01:50

1

Finish that project! :D

That's Engineering? > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 01:55

0

No problem! I am glad you recognize the realities of the situation, and now you can learn from the situation. Again, we have all been there. Dating is kind of like throwing darts while blindfolded... it can be extremely frustrating when you miss, but, sometimes they stick and it is awesome when it does (pun partially intended). But, most importantly, be yourself, be confident in yourself, and enjoy the journey. Also, yeah Hollywood lies - to everyone, girls and guys.

NotUnlessRoundIsFunny > Tom McParland 08/05/2014 at 02:34

1

Tom, you are a gentleman and a scholar. On more than one subject.

yamahog > That's Engineering? 08/05/2014 at 07:39

1

I should've taken a shot every time one of you neckbeards in this thread unironically said "friend zone." I take it you haven't experienced what it's like to have every guy you ever meet file you away in his mental "girlfriend zone" before even getting to know you. If she wanted to date him, she would've said so when he brought it up. She still doesn't, just texting because she's bored in New York. The end.

yamahog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 07:50

5

She's still not interested in you. She's probably just bored sitting around with her family in NY and texting everyone. Your mental picture of the relationship differs from hers, and you can't change that. Sorry, but just time to move on.

PS in the future, don't take relationship advice from guys who unironically use the term "friend zone." Besides such a concept being an absolute pile of crap, it's an indicator of their lack of success and bitterness, and if they haven't figured out how to treat women like people instead of just potential girlfriends, their advice probably won't be much help to you either.

yamahog > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 08:39

3

And I so badly want to fast forward my life like 15 years so Im married out of school and working my career. Skip all of this BS.

....skip college to be married and working and saddled with a mortgage? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND, LIVE A LITTLE! CHERISH IT!

nellydesign > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 08:44

3

I'm with everyone else it seems. Move on, don't be a dick, actually be a friend but don't expect more and just try to go out and find someone else. Don't pussy foot around. I was you. I was SOOOO you for years and I got burned dozens upon dozens of times. Then I met my beautiful wife, for whom all the little things I did actually mattered, and the rest is history. When you find someone who appreciates you, you'll know it. All these little games and crap don't matter. Find the one who actually appreciates you all the time and you'll be set.

JEM > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 08:49

2

You need to come to the realization that this obsession is causing you to waste some of the best possible times of your life.

You could be out camping with friends, getting drunk in the woods, riding dirtbikes, playing sports, learning a trade, working a job, researching careers, building something, etc... but instead you're wasting all this potential energy on something you know deep down isn't going to pan out. Stop feeding your misery.

twochevrons > yamahog 08/05/2014 at 08:58

1

As a guy who got suckered by the "friend zone" concept for a long time (I've since recovered), this. So much this. It's an unhealthy attitude to have, and basically comes down to "I've been nice to her, so she owes me a relationship." Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

yamahog > twochevrons 08/05/2014 at 09:00

0

Glad to hear you are over that, thanks for restoring some of my faith in the oppobros!

nellydesign > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 09:02

2

If her messaging you to talk is a source of pain or frustration, you should let her know. Girls do the "let him down easy" crap all the time, you should be able to do the same thing. Tell her you need some space. It's not her it's you. Whatever. Maybe even tell her you don't feel you're at a place in your life where you can just be friends with her and that you need to separate for a while to find happiness with someone new. You can be nice about it. You care about her, but your feelings are not returned in the way you would like and having a constant reminder of that in the form of her messaging you and wanting to "talk" is a difficult thing for a guy. Women seem to think it should be easy. It's not.

I had the same thing happen in college. Knew a great girl who was dating my roommate. They broke up amicably and we started hanging out. We would spend tons of time together but without anything romantic. I eventually came to the realization that I was always going to be in the friend zone and that she had other guys she was more interested in romantically. I moved on. We hung out less, we talked less, I started to separate myself from that situation. Then, inevitably, she called me late one night and wanted to hang out. I, stupidly, did. All my feelings came back, I tried again, and, in the end, got rejected completely and totally. When it was all said and done, and she was engaged to a guy with my SAME NAME, I sent her a letter and basically asked, "What the hell dude?" I was out. And then she pulled me back in... for what? To break my heart fully? Never got a reply.

But hell, that's the past. It only hurts now in retrospect. I can still remember the frustration I felt. The fact is, she never saw in me what my wife sees in me and for that, my wife stands infinitely tall in the pantheon of women in my life. She's orders of magnitude better than any woman I ever dated or tried to date because she recognized the something in me that no one else did, and she made a conscious decision to align herself with it. I'm eternally grateful that she found me because the loneliness I felt for years has left. Plus she's hot. There's that too...

Han-Solo > Han-Solo 08/05/2014 at 09:02

4

Also, she is stringing you along on purpose. She'd never admit it, but she wants you to always be waiting in the wings for your chance. You are her 'guy insurance'. After she dates every other guy on the planet she wants you to always be a fallback option. She could be pregnant with her 3rd kid in a happy marriage and she'd still like to have you in the backup 'guy insurance' role. Because who knows, her husband might get hit by a bus and then you'd be a phone call away. So walk now.

Just watch when you tell her you are dating someone. She'll up your relationship to keep you on the hook. Suddenly she wants to hit C&C next Saturday...that is until your new GF drops you b/c you are still fixated on this girl, then she will suddenly be unavailable again.

Another bit of advice. Don't run up that entire "friend" role "getting to know her" before asking a girl out. It's a complete waste of time. If you are attracted to a girl, able to have a few minutes of decent conversation = Ask her out right then. Nothing is more successful than showing confidence during that first interaction. She is intrigued about the 'new' you she just met and interested in more. When dating, plan everything, make 90% of the dinner/activity decisions. Women like a man who can lead the way.

Soloburrito > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! 08/05/2014 at 09:04

1

she isn't going to want to lose you as a friend so don't be surprised to hear an "i don't know" or "maybe".

Take that as her saying flat out she's not interested. Rejecting people is hard. Sometimss men and women want to let others down so easily it can be misinterpreted.

If she felt the same way you do, it would be obvious. Don't feel badly about this for too long. You can't make others fall in love with you. It's doesn't make you any less of a good person.

twochevrons > yamahog 08/05/2014 at 09:06

1

High school angst. Bad times. Thankfully, in college, I started hanging out with a new crowd who called me out on my bullshit and set me right. Good to hear that there are some people around here to do that, too!

yamahog > Vandelay Industries 08/05/2014 at 09:07

1

Ughhhh. "Fickle little whores?" Sounds like a totally healthy view of people. I need a shower.

Kids, ignore this guy. Almost anything you do is better than that wad of shit advice.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > JEM 08/05/2014 at 10:00

1

Thats actually a great point I appreciate your help. I do need to move on. She isn't worth it.

It was just so odd how she ended up messaging me first now all the time and how our roles had changed.

I was hoping that after these two months of nothing it would sort of stay that way. I really wasn't looking forward to talking to her.

But when we did and she said all those things about how she missed it I started thinking about maybe a shot again. That's why I needed to come here.

Thanks again